“Armed with a black belt in karate and a Ph.D. in philosophy, Patrick Swayze …” — do we even need the rest of that sentence? Could the capsule summary of the original 1989 Road House append any predicate that wouldn’t be awesome? “Ups production at the local cardboard factory.” “Attends George H.W. Bush’s inauguration.” “Gets an airport shoeshine.” Yes, ditto, and I’m up for it. The actual movie pits Swayze against a crime lord’s hapless gang, but that storyline is almost beside the point. The picture is about Swayze’s ridiculous self-seriousness, his haircut, and his abs. It is, in other words, fun. Can director Doug Liman’s new, straight-to-Amazon Prime “reimagining” of the cult classic compete with that?
For the new film’s opening minutes, the answer...